All 24 teams competing in the Euros have named their squads, but who will be going and who won’t? For starters, I won’t be going, Hulk Hogan won’t be there, the Dutch team won’t be there and Tyson Fury was that guy who clicked “Maybe” on the Facebook event and now can’t be contacted when we need to do a headcount.
But none of those above are professional footballers, so which footballers won’t be going? We’ll look at those unfortunate few who won’t be playing this summer. Some are sadly injured, whilst others didn’t listen to David Brent when he said, “Be careful, because there’s always somebody ready to step into your shoes and do your job better than you do it.”
Jack Butland (England) Goalkeeper
Injured himself in England’s friendly against Germany in March. Would have pushed Joe Hart close for a starting spot. Hart is now Head and Shoulders (see what I did there) above the rest of England’s goalkeeping options
Dani Carvajal (Spain) Right Back
Last seen leaving the field in tears in the Champions League final. Spain have an able replacement in Héctor Bellerín. Carvajal’s beard is something to be admired!
Kurt Zouma (France) Centre Back
A physical specimen! A giant of a man! A beast! A defensive powerhouse! Damaged his cruciate ligaments in February! Out injured for 6 months!
Raphael Varane (France) Centre Back
Would have started for France had he not suffered a thigh injury that forced him to miss the Champions League final.
Luke Shaw (England) Left Back
Was a victim of England’s pathetic performance in Brazil in 2014 and also of a leg breaking challenge against PSV Eindhoven last year. Was always unlikely to recover in time.
Marco Reus (Germany) Right Midfield
Seems destined to never play at an international tournament and is sitting out his fourth consecutive event.
Mark Noble (England) Centre Midfield
He’s too good for England!
İlkay Gündoğan (Germany) Centre Midfield
Manchester City’s first signing under Pep Guardiola won’t be appearing at the Euros nor will he be appearing at the start of the Premier League season as he’s recuperating from a dislocated kneecap.
Isco (Spain) Left Midfield
There’ll be no Isco Disco this summer with the Real Madrid star missing the flight due to an abundance of riches in the Spanish midfield. D’Isco inferno will now be put on hold until September.
Mario Balotelli (Italy) Striker
Why always me? Why indeed Mario. The tournament has lost banter due to dear Mario’s absence. Whether Italy have lost anything by not picking him is another question.
Diego Costa (Spain) Striker
Diego defected from his nation of birth Brazil who desperately needed a striker in the last World Cup and claimed Spanish eligibility. Spain also needed a striker, however Diego isn’t Del Bosque’s favourite type of paella, therefore poor Diego can have a nice rest before he returns to sulk and provoke defenders next season.
Substitutes and Honourable Mentions
Kevin Trapp (Germany), Karim Benzema (France), Saúl Ñíguez (Spain), Theo Walcott (England), Andros Townsend (England), Javi Martínez (Spain), Mathieu Debuchy (France), Fernando Torres (Spain), Juan Mata (Spain) and the Dutch and Scottish teams.
Backroom Team
All good sides need a backroom team to support them and this team of absentees are no different. Let’s look at those who are perfect for the roles:
Louis Van Gaal-Manager
LVG ensured that Manchester United missed out on next season’s Champions League, so it only feels right that he should be promoted to the Euro 2016 Missing Men manager role.
Danny Drinkwater- Hydration Officer/ Water Boy
THE CLUE IS IN THE NAME!
The Pundit Team
We’d surely need a presenter and pundit to analyse this team’s performance so we’ve found some punditry absentees.
Adrian Chiles- Presenter
The spud-faced man who looks as if he has the cholesterol levels of a fried egg offended many eyes during the last World Cup, most notably when he whipped out a set of cargo shorts on the Copa Cabana. Our eyes have never recovered! His comments make it sound as if a village somewhere in the Midlands might be missing its idiot.
Alan Hansen- Pundit
Retired from punditry after the 2014 World Cup, famous for his line of “You can’t win anything with kids”, the Scot is truly missed on the BBC as are his critiques of defending.
Andy Townsend and Clive Tyldsley
Unfortunately the ITV duo are returning to our ears this summer and God help us. Former Chelsea defender and general talker of rubbish Andy Townsend hasn’t been heard from since telling Lionel Messi what to do, whilst fellow dullard Tyldesley has already offended British ears this summer by labelling a save as “a worldie”. Not for me Clive!
